By
Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC
Life-After-Divorce Mediator and Life Coach
Is
"let's shack up" really the new "’til death do us part?" This article
will discuss and attempt to answer this and two other related questions:
How do we define commitment today in the 21st century? Are you clear
about what role commitment plays in your relationship?
Divorce
rates have reached all-time highs, spelling misery and unhappiness
for thousands of men and women. According to the U.S. Census Bureau,
there are more than 20 million divorced adults across the nation.
Furthermore,
recent statistics suggest that more than 50 percent of all current
marriages will end in divorce and another 43 percent will end in
separation long before they ever reach their Silver Anniversary.
So
why commit?
Three
women, three views
My
good friend, Tina, just sent me an e-mail saying that she hasn't
dated anyone since her divorce about six months ago. And, since
she's been married and divorced three times, she insists she will
never marry again. Furthermore, any man who gets involved with her
will have to understand that the word “marriage” simply is not in
her vocabulary.
At
the same time, I found myself ending a relationship with a man,
who I love and adore, because he could not make the leap to marriage,
which I see as vital to commitment.
I
have another client who has been married and divorced five times.
She says that she will not become intimately involved with someone
without the commitment of marriage. She says she wants to be honored
and cherished and she believes in the old saying, "Why buy the cow
when you can get the milk for free?"
How
is it that three people who want and value commitment all view it
from such different places? Where do you stand on the issue?
Audition
or commitment?
Consider
the couple who decide to move in together and see how it goes. If
they find they are compatible, then they'll get married – similar
to an audition.
This
may not bode well for many people who are seeking commitment. In
fact, according to the Relationship Coaching Institute, your chances
of staying married are no better if you live together first.
Is
living together a commitment? Is promising not to date anyone else
a commitment? Is agreeing to have a child together a commitment?
Is marriage these days, in light of the high divorce statistics,
still a commitment? Is sharing finances a commitment?
Just
what is a commitment?
Promise
versus commitment
According
to David Steele, president and CEO of the Relationship Coaching
Institute, there's a difference between a promise and a commitment
that includes marriage.
"In
short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something
you do,” he says. “A promise is a small commitment. If a potential
partner doesn't keep promises, I would question his or her ability
to keep commitments, as they are definitely related.”
Steele
goes on further: “A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment
is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment
is something you DO over time.
“A
real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences
for breaking it. And, for a relationship to be truly committed,
there are no exits – mentally, emotionally, or physically. When
the going gets rough, you make it work," he concludes.
To
marry or not to marry?
I
recently worked with a client who was living with a man for eight
years. They have a 6-year-old child. He kicked her out of the house,
and she is now homeless, going from friend to friend. The house
was his before the relationship, and he was the one with a job.
She can't even get custody of her son because she has nowhere to
live. If she were married, she would have rights to the house, the
child and child support.
Some
would argue: Are the legal aspects the sole grounds for marriage?
What about love?
I
have another client whose live-in boyfriend left her, after 17 years,
with the house and the child but no way to make the payments. Of
course, she can go after him for child support but, since he is
a self-employed handyman, she'll be lucky if she receives $300 per
month. If they had been married, he'd have to help with expenses
and/or spousal support.
Of
course, I'm giving legal examples of what can happen to people living
together without marriage or a co-habitation agreement.
A
commitment is a freeing and growing experience...
an act of trust, both of yourself and of your partner.
Heterosexual
couples who live together are similar to homosexual couples in that
they have no legal standing. Without a will, there are no inheritance
rights. Without marriage or a binding power of attorney, there are
no rights to make medical decisions about your loved one, rights
to medical insurance, etc.
What
of the marriage in which one person is keeping secrets, having affairs
or hiding money? Does the "marital contract" make one committed?
Certainly we all know many marriages that have ended in divorce.
Different
strokes for different folks
On
the other hand, some people disapprove of marriage because of those
very contractual aspects.
One
woman I know, who is emotionally stable and a professional success,
is well into her 50s and never been married because she prefers
it that way. Marriage simply remains out of the question for her,
not because of any prior bad experiences like Tina’s, but because
she finds the legal ramifications offensive. “I don’t want my love
reduced to a callous business contract,” she says.
Anne
claims that she has experienced “two very committed, happy, long-term
marriages” that simply weren’t “legal” because she does “not want
the government to interfere in my personal or romantic affairs.”
She says: “We exchanged our own vows and didn’t need a piece of
paper to seal our commitment.” According to her, when she and her
partners “grew in different directions,” they were able to part
their own ways “without thousands of dollars in legal fees.”
In
addition, Anne feels marital laws could undermine her business assets
in the event of a divorce. “He could get half of everything I’ve
worked so hard for,” she says.
Anne
emphasizes that she is not against commitment; she is against government
invasion of her privacy. In fact, Anne shudders at the thought of
lawyers and court costs in the event a potential marriage ever went
sour. She says, “My love life is none of the IRS’ business and should
not affect my tax status.”
Defining
the criteria
Steele
proposes these three criteria for looking at whether a relationship
is really a commitment versus a promise:
- CRITERIA
1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the
relationship that are kept.
- CRITERIA
2: Explicit, formal, public declaration.
- CRITERIA
3: The commitment is unambiguous to partners and others. This
definition of commitment sounds like the marital commitment, doesn't
it?
One
problem we have with the term commitment is that it often gets confused
with the mental or penal definition. Our culture views men mostly
as apprehensive to make a commitment. Perhaps the main fear some
men face is loss of freedom, much like my friend Anne. Whether or
not it is true, it typically is the number one reason they cite
for not getting married.
Steele
says: "Some couples have trouble with commitment because they confuse
the two definitions. They are afraid that commitment in a relationship
means getting into an institution with too much structure, control
and barriers to their freedom to be themselves. They are wrong.
“A
commitment is a freeing and growing experience. When two people
make a commitment to each other to grow, learn about life and love
together, they are creating a positive place to be. A commitment
is an act of trust, both of yourself and of your partner."
Choice
and perception
The
person afraid of the commitment has to look within to see what they
don't trust about themselves in a relationship. Will they lose themselves?
Is their sense of self not strong enough to withstand the "partnering"
aspect of a relationship?
When
we think about fear, the only way to get over it is to jump in and
do it and trust yourself that, whatever happens, you can handle
it. Only after making the leap, do many people discover the richness
and fullness of life that commitment has to offer.
Choice,
it seems, is a key component to commitment. You have many couples
who are together and are happy and content while it is their choice.
Once the choice is removed, let's say, in the case of marriage,
now it's a promise and a "contract" and is no longer representative
of "free choice" in their lives.
Reassess
your relationship to see if you are on target with your goals and
dreams as a couple.
Stepping
into the circle
Picture
the whole idea of commitment like a big round circle. From one side,
it's a gift of love, adoration and caring; from the other side,
it represents obligation, change and uncertainty. Yet, from another
side, it's fun, excitement and spontaneity. And from still another
side, it's monotonous and routine. The view of commitment changes
with your own perceptions and choices.
For
those who want a sure thing, I have to say that there is no sure
thing. Even with the act of marriage, the ultimate commitment between
two people in our society, the divorce rate still remains at 50
percent. Is there a way to beat the odds?
To
me, to be truly committed, there must be a combination of continuing
choice to be in the relationship, heart and soul, with a legal stand
in front of people and promise type of commitment. I love the idea
of every wedding anniversary, choosing each other all over again.
We
are all different; that's what makes the world go round.
Feel
free to e-mail your comments to lori@attorney-coach.com.
I am very interested to hear what you have to say!
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