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Life Coach and Divorce Mediator

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Conscious Relationships

Transcending Divorce Listen to Lori read an exerpt on "Forgiveness" from Chapter 9 - Heal Yourself, in her book, Transcending Divorce

How Not to Lose Yourself in a Relationship

By Lori Rubenstein, JD, CPC
Divorce Mediator and Life Coach

This is the fourth in a six article series on relationships

Are you one of the people who are scared to death to get involved again in a relationship because you do not know how to NOT lose yourself?

Lauren was married for 22 years and has been single for 2 years. She feels like she is ready to start dating. It's taken her the last 2 years to get over the loss of the family, her role as mother and WIFE. During the marriage, she identified herself as "Don's wife". Her job was to support his career, move the entire family with each career transfer, and be super-mom (she was in charge of every medical decision, transportation, purchasing and caring for clothing, meals, shopping, homework, school communication, sports and extra-curricular activities).

About 20 years into the marriage, Don began to express resentment over the fact that he was the only bread-winner and wanted to change their agreed-upon marital roles to some extent. Lauren could not begin to imagine changing that agreement, as she had absolutely no idea what going out into the workforce entailed. She was a housewife, she was good at her job, and she was proud of her accomplishments.

When they divorced, Lauren was depressed, terrified and confused. Who was she now? How would she make it on her own?

Well, like all terrified newly divorced people, Lauren got up, breathed and took one step at a time and eventually she created a life of her own. She started taking classes at the community college and discovered, she was a pretty smart cookie! That helped her self-esteem. She even had a college professor flirt with her…another self-esteem boost. With spousal support, child support and some money from the sale of their marital home, she is able to meagerly scrap by, but she is doing it on her own. She is finishing her AA degree and getting ready to go out into the workforce.

Your situation may not be as extreme as Lauren's, but the feelings are still the same. She has worked hard to become independent and is scared to start dating because she does not want to fall back into the habit of being dependent on a man or just completely lose all she has gained. I think this is why so many women wait longer than men to get remarried. They are on a mission of self-discovery and do not want to go backwards.

I can tell you that when I separated from my husband, I remember going to the grocery store and standing in the vegetable isle, confused because I truly did not know what it was I wanted to buy. I was so use to buying food for my ex-husband, that I forgot what I liked independent from him. And I was a career woman with my own life, and yet I still lost myself in that relationship.

So, what do you do? How do you not lose yourself in relationship?

Here are some guidelines:

1. Get rid of the negative demeaning verbiage that was used by your ex-spouse that you took on during the marriage. By this I mean that if you were verbally or emotionally abused during the marriage and you started believing that you were a defective person in some way, get counseling or coaching, realize it's not true, and let it go.

2. Take a trip down memory lane and remember who you were before the marriage. What did you love? What were your dreams and visions?

3. Develop new friendships. These new friends will keep you on track. Tell them, "I don't want to lose myself in this new relationship, if you see me doing that, please tell me."

4. Forgiveness is mandatory. If you are still holding onto hurt or anger, whether in the position of a victim or martyr, you are very likely to repeat the same pattern as before and lose yourself again.

5. Become active and fill your time with activities and hobbies that you love.

6. Love and accept yourself. The happier you are with who you are, the more likely you will desire to continue to be the person you have become!

7. Learn the art of assertiveness. Being assertive allows you to state your needs without hurting others. You have new boundaries and are not afraid to state them. When you set and stick to boundaries, you earn respect for yourself and you stay on track with the "new you".

8. Pray for help. Sometimes it's just in the asking. Sometimes the oneness and wholeness we feel with God can replace the need to feel enveloped with another person and thus lose yourself completely. (This should not be read to mean that feeling whole with your new mate is not positive, just don't lose the balance of who are).

9. Do not become co-dependent in the relationship. A good way to make sure this does not happen is to hold each other to the highest standards, rather than the lowest common denominator.

10. Don't give up friends, work, organizations, activities, hobbies, dreams or goals which you have come to love. They may have entered your life as a single person, yet as a partnered person, you do not need to lose them. Remember, your new mate fell in love with you as a person with all these activities, so don't change who you are at your essence.

To not lose yourself in a new relationship, commit to having fun in that relationship. It's when things become over-burdened and you feel like it's drudgery to relate to your new mate, you've lost yourself.

Therapist Edmund J. Bourne says, "Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own. You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs. Your self-esteem depends largely on how well you please, take care of and/or solve problems for someone else (or many others)."

In some cases, this is very sweet and endearing. However, only you know if you go too far and lose yourself completely. If you had this tendency in previous relationships, be aware and stay alert, and monitor yourself closely when moving into a new relationship.