with Lori Rubenstein,
Life Coach and Divorce Mediator

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Single vs Separated: Does It Make a Difference?

Dear Coach Lori:

I met a great guy (Ryan - not his real name) 4 months ago through an online dating service. We see each other regularly, 3 or 4 times each week and almost every weekend. I'm single, 38, and never married, but want to get married. Ryan is 48 and has two sons who have graduated college and who enjoy successful careers of their own. He's been separated from his wife for about a year. It will probably be another year until their divorce is finalized because he owns a fairly large company and a lot of real estate and other assets which complicate matters. I've met his sons at various social occasions and they are very nice. We all get along. Everything about our experience is great, but I don't know where it's going. It seems that everything has to stay at a "particular level" because he isn't really single. While we're both really enjoying our time together, I'm wondering if this is affecting the level of intimacy that we can establish together.

Getting married is important to me. I've never been married and want to enjoy that experience with the right person. I've only mentioned marriage a couple of times to Ryan, but we've never had any serious conversations about it. I think I'm sensitive to bringing it up because I know he's still married - at least technically. My girlfriend says Ryan is not really available for dating and it would be in my best interest to stop dating him and find someone who is really single. She also says he's probably not going to want to think about marriage as soon as his divorce is finalized; she's convinced he'll want to enjoy his freedom. Am I making a mistake by dating someone who is separated? Do you think I'm wasting my time?

Shannon in Seattle

Dear Shannon,

There is a reason I typically advise people not to date until 1 year after divorce, and that is because they need to spend time working on the issues that lead to the ending of their marriage. Once someone starts dating, they stop working on the previous issues and get very comfortable in a new, exciting relationship. For example, let's say the marriage ended in part because Ryan was very controlling, well, if Ryan doesn't deal with being overly controlling, he'll bring that flaw into the new relationship and repeat the same patterns.

But that's not really your question, is it? You want to know, if you stick around, will Ryan marry you. Here's the deal. He is spending virtually no time discussing it with you, has not made any proposals, or even acknowledgments to you that he is leaning in that direction. That leads me to believe he is happy where the relationship is right now.

Does he want to date you? Sure he does. He is dating you and is probably having a really good time. Does he view you as a permanent fixture in his home? From your brief description, absolutely not.

So, you have this absolute requirement, marriage. This is what you want. Now is the time to find out what he wants - ask him his goals, dreams, aspirations. Many men who have been married do get married shortly after a divorce, but what you want to know is what Ryan wants. If he refuses to sit down and have a serious discussion about the future of your relationship, well then, that is your answer. What is a healthy response for you? NEXT! Find someone who wants what you want…remember, there are thousands of single people out there and you deserve to get exactly what you want. Lori

Coach Lori