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Dear
Coach Lori,
I'm
43 and ended a 3 year abusive relationship about a year and a half
ago. I'm ready to date again as I really want a committed relationship
- maybe marriage. I want to prepare myself better for the next relationship.
The last guy seemed great - at first.
After
about a year, when we had really settled in and the "newness" had
worn off, he started being emotionally abusive towards me - and
twice he grabbed me very harshly when we had had some terrible fights.
I forgave him and he always apologized for his bad behavior. I kept
thinking each time it happened that it was a one-time thing, but
the emotional abuse continued until I had the courage to stand up
and just walk away from the relationship.
How
can you spot a potential abuser in the early weeks and months of
dating - before things get too serious? Are there any telling signs
or red flags? How can I better protect myself from making poor dating
choices?
Valerie
in Vallejo
Dear
Valerie,
Two
things happen at the beginning of a relationship.
1.
You teach people how to treat you.
2. There are signs that are ignored.
Your
gut usually has the answers to both these problems, but listening
to it is another thing. For example, a guy who is overly attentive
or jealous may be looked at as "oh he's crazy about me" or "uh oh...
he's possessive, jealous, controlling... red flag... beware!"
This
is where friends come in. LISTEN to friends and family who know
and love you. If he's calling you too much it could be loving or
it could be CONTROLLING.
Abusive
behavior stems from low self esteem. The #1 way to avoid abuse is
to not attract it in the first place. To not attract it, make sure
you have really good self esteem and confidence BEFORE entering
your next relationship.
For
further information on red flags, listen to my radio show on the
subject at www.tinyurl.com/strlori and join my facebook fan page
Freedom From Abuse.
And
just so you know, abusers almost always apologize. It's called the
cycle of abuse. There is a build up stage, an explosion (yelling
or physical abuse), and the apologizing and best behaving stage,
and then it starts all over again. I think it's great you are taking
steps to avoid abuse in the future.
Lori
S. Rubenstein, JD, CPC is a Life and Relationship coach
working and playing near Sedona, Arizona.
Email her at lori@daretotranscend.com
or call her at 928.634.0252
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